Married to the War

At first glance, this is an ordinary women’s chat group of about 350 members, bringing together people from Russia and eastern Ukraine. The women share beauty tips, recommend the best doctors for IVF-related issues, discuss vitamins and dietary supplements. But in addition to that, the chat’s Useful Information section contains pinned prayers, protective spells, and… instructions on how to avoid shelling when approaching the front-line zone.

The women who communicate in this chat are the wives and fiancées (more rarely, mothers) of those whom they themselves call “SMO participants” — participants in Russia’s war against Ukraine. By analyzing the chat messages from the past month, I sought to understand how these women live, what they dream about, and how they view the war.

Unconditional Loyalty

Like all ordinary women, the wives of war participants wait for their husbands to come home and dream of the war’s end. Nearly every new member joining the chat reports that she is “barely coping” and is completely exhausted. Interestingly, in the fifth year of the full-scale war, a widespread belief among the wives of “SMO participants” is that the fighting will end this year. This sentiment was expressed especially often by participants in early June, even though Ukrainian strikes on Russian oil refineries were intensifying at that time.

Such hope would be understandable if the chat participants acknowledged Russia’s responsibility for starting the war and hoped that Ukraine’s ability to seize the initiative would force the Kremlin to retreat. However, the chat displays an absolute consensus that Ukraine is to blame for what has happened. Not a single participant has ever questioned the actions of the Russian authorities or the necessity of the “SMO,” and their criticism extends, at most, to mid-level commanders or contract recruiters. “It won’t end until Zelensky is removed,” Dilyara succinctly summarized her view of the causes of the war in response to the hopes expressed by her “companions in misfortune.”

Another paradox is that the desire to bring their husbands home does not translate into hatred of war as a phenomenon, regardless of its causes. Quite often, participants in the chat state that the wife of a mobilized soldier or contract serviceman would herself go to the SMO if not for having a young child. “I tell my husband the same thing: if our child were older, I would have joined the army too,” shares Oksana from Krasnoyarsk Krai.

At times, such loyalty bears the unmistakable hallmarks of Stockholm syndrome.

 “My name is Elena. I’m waiting for my son to return from the SMO. He was drafted into the army in November 2025, signed a contract in January, and was sent to Ukraine in March. He kept everything from us, and we only learned what had happened when we lost contact with him… Shortly after we began searching for him, my son called us and told us everything. Of course, we were shocked, because he is only 20 years old. For now, he writes and calls every day. But a mother’s heart is breaking into pieces — I still cannot come to terms with the fact that my child is at war,” writes one of the chat participants.

In the same post, she reports that “the boys were psychologically manipulated and gave all their pay to commanders and other individuals,” but immediately reassures herself that “the main thing is that they are alive and well.” Elena expresses no negativity toward the commanders. Instead, she describes the reaction of her husband, who, according to her, constantly tells her, “that he is ready at any moment to sign a contract and follow his eldest son to the war.” It is obvious that the family understands that the state has effectively kidnapped their child, yet the only way out of this tragedy that they can envision is joining in the killing of Ukrainians.

“Why Didn’t You Lose a Foot?”

Such a reaction is explained not so much by the aggressiveness of a serviceman’s family members as by a distorted form of psychological adaptation to the situation. Wanting to convince themselves that their son’s or husband’s choice was the right one—or at least that his sacrifice was not in vain—these women do not dare to question “his life’s work”: the war. They identify with him as completely as possible and justify both the war itself and the participation of their loved ones in it. The wives of servicemen dream of being reunited with the men they love, but in their current circumstances, the only way they can imagine achieving that reunion is by joining them in the war.

At the same time, the women would like to bring their husbands home but increasingly acknowledge that this is practically impossible. “Girls, what do you think, what are the chances my husband will be allowed home for our wedding? I’ve already received a certificate from the registry office confirming the wedding is on July 4, there’s a month left, but his leave hasn’t been approved yet,” complains Nastasia. “Mine was supposed to arrive on June 1st, they didn’t let him go, and nobody knows when they will,” Daria echoes her. “My husband was also denied leave, he last came home in August last year,” adds Dilyara.“My husband was also told that leaves have been canceled,” adds another unnamed chat participant, offering no optimism.

The women acknowledge that at present it is impossible not only to obtain leave for a serviceman, but also to secure his discharge due to injury. “My husband has been serving under contract since 2025. He was wounded at the beginning of the year, had spinal surgery, and is now at home on sick leave… We are trying to get him discharged, but so far without success,” complains Irina. “We also tried to get him discharged—he was wounded three times, he was even listed as AWOL, we only needed to get a doctor to assign him a category, but they sent him back there in a single day, and that was it,” adds her namesake.

For some, hope for a husband’s injury remains the only chance to see him again. “A friend of my husband’s lost a foot, and I told my husband, “Why him and not you?”” admits an unnamed participant. “You shouldn’t get your hopes up too much. I know that guys who lose a foot or a heel are sent back, not just to the rear but to the front line. And even if, by some miracle, they get discharged, they still remain in service at a military unit until the SMO ends,” interjects another participant.

 “Of course they are sent back,” agrees another participant, Kristina. “My husband’s brother had a serious injury, and they sent him back to the front. He is now a POW.” Some participants note that even after the end of the ‘SMO’ their husbands will not return home, as they will remain “to clear the territories.”

“War of the Mind”

It is quite revealing that even those women whose husbands briefly break away from the war on leave or because they have been wounded and are in the hospital do not even consider the possibility of desertion and instead hope to secure their discharge in accordance with Russian law. When these methods inevitably fail, the family once again obediently sends the husband back to the war. This behavior becomes understandable when one looks at the motivations of the “SMO participants,” as described by their wives. It becomes clear that for most of the spouses of those in this chat, war was a conscious choice, and escaping it was never part of their plans.

The wives of servicemen acknowledge that some men go to the front believing in the possibility of easy money, but they all insist unanimously that their own loved ones were guided by patriotic motives, or at least by male pride and a desire to prove something to themselves and others. “We were arguing about this with my husband, and he told me that any self-respecting man would go defend his country,” shares Katerina. “I went to visit my husband, and he proudly told me, ‘You are now an officer’s wife!’”  “Yes!… My husband constantly says that in the future, our children, grandchildren, etc. will be proud of him,” adds another participant, Ekaterina.

Another particularly telling post was written by another chat participant, Kristina: “My husband didn’t go to defend us, but to be re-educated… Our daughter was born, and we started arguing, he began messing up. I also pushed things too far… And then it got to the point that he wanted to go there, he was afraid I would leave him, and he wanted to show a different version of himself. And if it weren’t for the children, I would have gone there myself a month after him, missing him terribly. I told him he didn’t need to prove anything to me, but in response he said that he is needed there no less than at home.”        

This post vividly illustrates several things at once. First, as children’s author Masha Rupasova rightly noted, the roots of the decision to go to war should be sought within the family. Second, many Russians have deeply internalized the belief that war is the only way to prove one’s ‘manhood.’ Third, Kristina turned out not to be the only participant in the chat whose husband changed his mind about returning home. At least four other people in the conversation were given the opportunity—so desperately desired by others—to return home from the war but later chose to go back. At least one of them was eligible for discharge due to injury but declined . 

‘My husband volunteered because of the money. We did not know each other at the time. There were four boys in his family, and their mother raised them on her own. He was wounded, received compensation, and bought an apartment. Later, after recovering, he decided to go back, but was offered a position in a military unit, and that’s when I met him. At first, I wasn’t thrilled about his eagerness either, but he told me that he had had many jobs and that military service was what he truly needed. Either I accept it and we continue our life together, or he carries on alone. All contracts are being extended for a year; mine renewed his for five years this spring, just to be certain,” shares a user with the screen name ‘Yanochka.’

Kateryna has a similar story: her husband returned from the war after being wounded in 2022, but in 2026 he decided to go back. Another participant said that her husband managed to stay home for only four months after leaving the military before signing a new contract. It is quite revealing that the women in the chat regard motives such as earning money, male pride, or family conflicts as entirely normal reasons for killing people. They discuss these motives with remarkable candor, making no attempt to conceal them behind patriotic rhetoric. Among the participants, Ulyana provides the most candid description of the motivations of the ‘SMO participants.’    

“Some go because of the money… Some leave, as your husband puts it, because a real man must defend his homeland. Some are driven by the feeling that their brothers, friends, fathers, and relatives are there, and that they must be with them. And some, as terrible and harsh as it may sound, go because there they can legally kill. I personally spoke with such a person—an ordinary guy, no criminal record, never been in prison, an athlete—but he has war on the brain, and in the worst possible sense,” she shares.

This is probably the only post in the chat that contains a negative moral judgment of at least one motive for participating in the war—killing for the sake of killing.

A Date in Occupied Territory       

In short, nearly all of the women in the chat are wives whose husbands either cannot or do not want to return from the war. In such cases, the spouses often travel toward the front line themselves. Some go for short visits with their loved ones, while others settle in frontline areas to be closer to their husbands and see them more often. The most popular destinations for relocation are usually Taganrog, Rostov-on-Don, or the occupied cities of Donetsk and Mariupol.

The journeys these women make to the front deserve a book of their own and involve very real dangers. “My name is Natalya, I’m 31. I’ve been waiting for my husband since the beginning of the SMO. Two years ago, I went to see him for a month and a half. We came under heavy shelling there, but thank God, everything turned out fine,” shares one participant. Complaints about fuel shortages are common, as are recommendations to bring extra fuel cans. At some gas stations, women were required to obtain special fuel cards. One participant shared the impressions of an acquaintance who had made the trip:

“What they call a city beach [in Taganrog] can hardly be called a beach at all, it’s completely neglected. I caught myself thinking that this was because of Ukraine, and then thought: damn it, what the hell does Ukraine have to do with it! This has always been ours! … On the beach we found a wing from a drone, and later some fishers discovered an entire drone in the water…

He drove through Mariupol—quite a sight if you’re not used to it… Destroyed buildings everywhere. Azovstal was impressive both for its sheer size and for the devastation… The road is something else! I don’t understand how, with all the large-scale construction going on, they could leave this pathetic stretch in such condition… And all supplies to Crimea pass through it… I have no words. There was no gasoline either. Only on the way out of Dzhankoi were they giving out 20 liters per vehicle, and he was still about 5 liters short of a full tank. After that, there was no gasoline at all. The radio announced that fuel rationing had been introduced in Crimea.”

In the chat’s Useful Information section, members keep instructions on “how to avoid being hit by UAVs on the highways of the DPR.” Nevertheless, the short-term apartment rental business is thriving in both Mariupol and Donetsk, and advertisements for such apartments are regularly posted in the chat. Incidentally, independent journalists have previously reported that such rentals were popular mainly for providing sexual services to Russian military personnel. Now we can see that, in addition to sex workers, they are also used by the wives of servicemen.

It should be noted that the housing stock used for these services is often made up of apartments confiscated from Ukrainians who previously lived in what are now occupied territories. In many cases, such properties are declared ‘ownerless,’ and the rightful owners can challenge that designation only if they obtain a Russian passport and personally appear in court. Even then, passport holders who are outside of Russia are often unable to complete the lengthy and humiliating ‘filtration’ procedures required to return home. Such details, however, predictably do not concern the wives of the ‘SMO participants.’

Denunciations and Prayers

In addition to instructions on how to avoid drone strikes, the chat’s Useful Information section contains Christian prayers, occult spells, and various hybrids of the two. Those women who do not dare to travel through shelling to visit their husbands actively prepare care packages for them. These packages almost always include stuffed toys decorated with militaristic symbols and dressed in khaki-colored uniforms.

Interestingly, after Alexander Dugin and Russian lawmakers declared war on Cheburashka—the beloved character of the late Soviet generation—accusing him of liberalism, contributing to the collapse of the Soviet Union, and corrupting children, the ‘patriotic’ wives of servicemen seem to prefer sending their husbands ‘neutral’ bears and rabbits that nevertheless look quite warlike.

In their spare time, when they are not assembling care packages, some participants in the chat do not shy away from writing denunciations against officials who, in their view, have spoken about ‘SMO fighters’ without sufficient respect. This very topic was brought up by a chat participant named Yulia, who reported that she had spent many years nurturing a desire to “reopen the case and punish this person.” Another participant, Anna, suggested filing a complaint with the Investigative Committee, expressing hope that it would “not ignore” the allegedly seditious remarks. She added that she had also filed a denunciation against her ex-husband because, unlike her current husband, he could freely leave the grounds of his military unit.

The chat participants themselves admit, however, that denunciations do not earn either their husbands or themselves much public affection. Many participants complain that they are not understood by friends “whose husbands are not serving”, much less by people they do not know personally. Expressions of loneliness are also fairly widespread in these chats. In essence, military families have formed a separate, closed subculture that receives little support—and often not even sympathy—from ordinary Russians.

It is also quite telling that these women are willing to inform on anyone who speaks about their ‘heroes’ without sufficient reverence yet are afraid to report the extortion and abuse their husbands suffer at the hands of their own commanders, despite being well aware of it.  Previously mentioned Elena, whose conscript son was talked into signing a contract and then had all his payments stolen, admits: “I wanted to go to the prosecutor’s office when I found out that all of my son’s payments had vanished. But fortunately, I found another mother, and she told me not to dare start any kind of investigation. Otherwise, they’ll fucking zero him out in the nearest tree line.” 

“I’ve been waiting for my husband for almost four years, and at first some of us women tried to rebel a little, to write complaints and appeal to various authorities. But then we learned about the practice of ‘zeroing out’ soldiers and sending them to the worst possible places for the slightest complaint, and that put an end to it. My husband strictly forbade me from getting involved or writing to anyone. Incredible things happen over there. Everything from vigilante justice and unofficial punishments to being sent somewhere you won’t come back from. So, we sit quietly, keep our heads down, wait, and are grateful that he’s still alive,” Oksana described the situation at the front with striking accuracy.

What Else Do the Wives of Russian Servicemen Talk About?

Surprisingly, issues surrounding death and the difficulty of identifying bodies—topics that Masha Rupasova often writes about—are discussed relatively infrequently in this particular chat, though they do arise from time to time. Several participants complained that their husbands had not been in contact for a long time, and a couple of them had already received official notifications that their spouses were missing in action. However, nearly every woman in the chat knows someone whose loved one has been killed in the war. Discussing such cases, the participants recall that relatives did indeed demand that the zinc-lined coffins be opened and refused to bury the remains without DNA identification. At the same time, complaints frequently recur that DNA samples submitted by family members fail to reach military enlistment offices and military units.

According to the participants, people recruited from penal colonies were, in this respect, “luckier” because their DNA samples had already been stored in the database of the Federal Penitentiary Service. At the same time, the women note that servicemen classified as Category ‘V’—the designation they use for former prisoners—are otherwise treated “like animals,” with little regard for their humanity. Nor do such men tend to enjoy much “combat longevity.”

“I had an acquaintance who was also in prison. He signed a contract with the Ministry of Defense, and a month later he was a 200,” shares Natalya. “My friend’s husband lasted seven days in combat… he went straight from a detention center,” says Yekaterina, setting a new ‘record.’

Another issue that is actively discussed in the chat is the fear that husbands serving “in the field” will cheat on their wives with prostitutes—or even find a long-term mistress. Given the number of examples already known to them, these fears are not unfounded.

“Girls, a friend and I recently found out that the husband of a woman we know has been living in Donetsk with a local girl for three years,” shared Anna. “That’s a rough situation… I’m also afraid that my husband will cheat on me with prostitutes while he’s on the SMO,” admits Irina. “There’s a similar situation with my cousin. She’s waiting for him at home, while he’s living with another woman in the LPR, and his wife knows it,” recounts Nadezhda. “You see it everywhere. A lot of servicemen are fooling around—some have abandoned their families, others are living a double life,” concludes Kristina.

There’s also a telling moment here. One of the chat participants, Svetlana, complains about her husband’s infidelity. Among the evidence of his cheating, she points to his subscription to the group “Captive Ukrainian Girls (Khokhlushki).” However, she and all the other participants are only concerned about the possibility of infidelity itself, and not at all about Svetlana’s husband’s interest in raping prisoners.

Discussions about military payments also occupy a significant portion of the conversations. The women note that the amounts deposited into bank accounts periodically differ from the official figures shown in the serviceman’s online account. Yet attempts to find out what happened run up against the same fear of filing complaints described earlier.

Overall, these chats can be seen as a disturbing example of the normalization of the abnormal. It is not only that the decision to travel to a foreign country in order to kill people for money or to prove something to one’s wife is treated as perfectly natural. Theft of payments, ‘zeroing out,’ intimidation, and coercion also come to be viewed as normal by these women. They have learned to accept such situations as the only possible reality and have reconciled themselves to it with remarkable ease. At the same time, the deeper they become immersed in this distorted world, the more remote their chances of returning to anything resembling normal life—even in the distant future.